X Bits
by MeyRevived2
Summary: Short, supposedly funny X sketches.


Disclaimer: I don't own X….duuhhhh! the lyrics of The Lumberjack Song are Monty Python's.

**Author's notes: **any OOC, playing with time or with the correct order of events in the anime is done in a vain attempt to make the sketches in this fic funnier. I'm making no theories here, no claims as for the true nature of any of the characters or anything at all so don't start going "but that's not how this character should behave!" on me okay?

**Author's Thanks: **SuperSeme Fuma, the funnies and coolest name ever, Morphia Spellbinder and Lani Reaper for being the lab mice on which these jokes were practiced, pity them ladies and gentlemen for they suffered greatly.

* * *

**X Bits**

Nataku enters the main DoE lair room where Fuma sits at his chair musing silently with his eyes closed. "Daddy, what's a rectum?"

Fuma awakens in rage "**SEISHIROOOOOOOOO!"**

Somewhere in another room, where he could hear the whole conversation from Seishiro quivers "I'm in trouble….."

* * *

In the Monou estate two children play; child Kamui and child Kotori are fumbling with Kotori's Barbie dolls. Enter child Fuma wearing a plastic toy armor, holding a plastic toy sword.

Over the children Saya and Toru watch as they sow…..or braid each others' hairs….or filing each other's nails….or something that dykes do….(A.N: I think I should know that…..ano…..)

Little Fuma waves his toys happily at the other two children "who wants to play knights?"

Kotoru and Kamui jump up and down happily"I do I do I do!"

Fuma thinks of a game for a while, then comes up with an answer "let's play 'Princess in Distress and Brave Sir Knight!'!"

Kotori and Kamui jump up and down more "YAAAAAAY!"

Kamui jumps up and downholding up his hand like in a classroom "I want to be the princess!"

Saya smiles at Toru kindly "ooo, you grew your son so well"

Kotori frowns in confusion for a moment "but….if you're the princess and Fuma's wearing the armor then I'm the dragon….oh all right"

she splays herself all over Kamui trying to behave snakelike, glaring at Fuma.

Kamui, on the floor under Kotori makes a dramatic expression "oh my! Oh dear! Who will save me! Who will come for my help!"

Nokoru(1) burst in through the door, Suoh and Akira at his side "I heard the calling of a damsel in distress! Where art though faire maiden, come out so I can save you….oh….it's just a bunch of children playing" he sweatdrops

Suohgrabs Nokoru by the scruff of the neck "come Keichu, you have paperwork to do"

Nokoru's looking upset and sad as he's dragged off.

Akira bows down politely and leaves after leaving a cake on the table as an apology

Toru turns to Saya at the conclusion of what had just happened and smiles proudly

Kotori ignores what had just happens are returns to the game "wraaaah! I am the evil dragon and I will not let you anywhere near the beautiful princess bwaaaaah!" she waves her hands at Fuma like a dragon.

Fuma, brandishing his toy sword, shows no fear "**ha ha!** I am brave sir Monou and I will not let you anywhere near him, filthy dragon! If you dare as much as touch my beautiful prince…sess….I will cut your head off!"

Torou, to Saya, " you did pretty good job on your son as well"

Fuma grabs Kotori and pretends to hit her with his sword, once she's away from Kamui he grabs the younger boy and carries him in his arms.

Kamui snuggles up to Fuma in his arms "oh brave sir Monou! You saved me once again, how may I repay you?"

_Fuma'_s eyes are blank all of a sudden, a strange predatory look in his eyes (think older Fuma in DoH mode) I have a few ideas….." he begins carrying Kamui out of the room.

Kotori realizes (somehow) what is happening before her and jumps to her feet "wait! The nice boy that came in here before left us some cake!"

Kamui snaps from his role "Cake!" he squirms out of Fuma's grip and runs off to the cake

Fuma watches the two in a bit of disappointment, his eyes are now in their normal state. He turns to the two women looking after them "mommy?"

Saya beams a smile at her son "yes dear?"

"can I have a real sword?"

Saya shudders, holds hands with Toru"no."

Fuma sulks.

"when you'll be a big boy you'll have one"

Fuma's beaming "really?"

Toru, gritting her teeth, mutters under her breath "yes, you will".

* * *

Kakyo's dreamscape. Kakyo sits on the watery ground leaning on the sliding doors angsting as ever.

Enters Sorata, cheerful as ever.

Kakyo turns to his visitor in the usual manner "Dragon of Heaven, what do you want here?"

Sorata walks up to him casually, rolling his eyes as if trying to seem normal. "saaaaay….you're a dreamgazer right?"

Kakyo sweatdrops "yes'. (_Whispering to himself "_duhhhh!")

"and you can travel into other people's dreams right?"

Kakyo winces as he remembers Kotori's death dream, then angsts "yes"

"so…umm….saaay…..that Miyuki – chan from Miyuki – chan in Wonderland(2)….all that happened to her was in a dream right?"

Kakyo looks away impatiently "I don't know, I don't watch hentai…."

"oh right, you don't have DVD players or computers here and surely you can't reach he starts drifting off "now that's a good site…." Now he's off in his own little world.

Kakyo lost his patience, his voice is harsh "what do you want?"

"well I just thought that if it's all a dream of hers that….you know…..you being able to show other people's dreams and all….and maybe move some person from one dream to another….if you catch my drift…."

T-T "no"

Sorata spins around to face Kakyou in anger "you nasty old meanie!"

Kakyo smiles maliciously "it's a new weapons of ours: death by sexual frustration"

* * *

Satsuki slams her fist on Beast "god damn it!"

Yuuto rushes over worriedly "what's the problem Satsuki – chan?"

"I got this new headphones and I can't plug them into Beast's input hole, damn it! and I just downloaded a new 'FAKE book 7'(3) skin for my Winamp."

"FAKE!"

Nataku wonders into the room noting the conversation "umm, excuse me but I believe I might be of some help to you"

Satsuki and Yuuto stare at Nataku confused "how so?"

Nataku begins to explains, casually as if it's a scientific discussion "I have heard of a similar situation as the problem you are faced with now Satsuki and I learnt that in such a case the appealing of an oily lubricant of some sort to both the entering object and the cavity itself might help the action you are attempting to perform"

Satsuki and Yuuto facefault, staring at Nataku with utter shock on their faces.

Somewhere down the lair, Seishiro begins looking for exits out of that place.

Nataku continues "if you wonder of the nature of this substance then may I recommend from what I heard: You can use massage oil, baby oil, anything but Vaseline because it's not water based and is hard to clean from such parts of the body. The most recommended substance, so I heard, is KY gel, it is said to be with effective and available in most pharmaceutical stores."

Satsuki and Yuuto's jaws drop to the floor (all the way from Beast's seat)

Fuma, who walked into the room a few sentences ago notes Seishiro tip toeing towards the exit and roars "**SEIIIIIISHIROOOOOOOO"**

Caught in the act of escaping before the blast, Seishiro freezes on his spot "oh my…."

* * *

On Rainbow Bridge two figures walk towards each other.

One takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth. He is close enough to the other figure so that when the latter reaches out a lighter it lights the first's cigarette.

Seishiro's smirking at the shorter man "Subaru-kun…"

Out of no where Kazahaya (from Goho Drug) walks into the scene waving his hand for attention "oi, sorry to interrupt but, you got a light dude?"

Subaru blink "are you talking to me!"

"yeah dude, you're the one with the lighter man"

Seishiro interrupts the talk, slightly upset his come on is interrupted "then why did you ask in the first place!"

Kazahaya frowns, rolling his eyes back into his skull trying to think clearly "….I forgot …."

Subaru takes out his lighter again and after sighing lights Kazahaya's strange looking cigarette.

Seishiro examines the strange cylinder in Kazahaya's hand "say, this doesn't look like you a normal cigarette why…."

"Seishiro – san, I don't think he's with us anymore…."

Kazahaya's eyes roll back again, a strange grin appears on his face and he lands backwards on the concrete in a high.

Kakyou sits around in his dreamscape moping. Suddenly a cloud of green smoke appears. Kazahaya is left in the dreamscape once the smoke clears out.

"DUDE! I see feathers everywhere! And everything is black and empty around me! **DUDE!" **looks at his joint "this is **awesome** stuff dude!"

Kakyou ignores him.

Kazahaya notices Kakyou "hey, how you doin'? (A.N: think Joe from Friends) walks over to Kakyou, sits down by him and wraps an arm around Kakyou's shoulders his hand falls down a little bit and 'accidentally' lands on Kakyou's **flat** chest "…….o – O **DUDE!** you're a dude, dude!"

Kakyou angsts.

* * *

In the young Seals' apartment in CLAMP campus, in the living room. Sorata sits by Arashi while they watch television. In the nearby kitchen Subaru is digging in the refrigerator for something.

Sorata starts edging towards Arashi on the sofa, smiling genki as usual.

Arashi ignores him.

Subaru, in the kitchen "god damn it, where's the iced tea!"

Sorata reaches a point when he's sitting right by Arashi with a whole thigh's body contact. Still smiling his face off.

Arashi….still ignores him.

Sorata reaches out one hand as if to stretch out but finely lands in gently on

Arashi's shoulder, now smiles more happily.

Arashi politely but efficiently and most strictly removes Sorata's hand, landing it powerfully enough back on his own side to make a point.

Subaru finely finds the can he was looking for "oh man, this ice tea is all warm! "

From the living room he hears Sorata's voice "yeah, well if you want to cool it down you can always put it between Arashi's legs…"

P.S:

Subaru pauses for a moment in utter puzzlement "but….she's a woman…..what would I do with anything between her legs!"

* * *

In the DoE's lair. Fuma sits in his high chair, Nataku is playing around in the background, Kusanagi is sitting on a sofa reading a 'GUN & WEAPONS FOR TREEHUGING MILITERISTS' magazine.

Nataku walks up to Kusanagi from behind his back, looking down at what the man is reading "what are you reading?"

Kusanagi looks a little startled for a moment, shuts his magazine immediately

Fuma smiles kindly at Kusanagi "don't be frightened of Nataku, he has his strange moments but he surely wouldn't hurt a fellow DoE. Kazuki – chan, Kusanagi – san is reading a magazine."

Nataku looks from the magazine to his father figure "but there are pictures of naked girls in there"

Kusanagi sweatdrops, wishing the earth to swallow him whole this moment, please god.

Fuma laughs "oooo Kusanagi, it's alright, you can read porn in here without the need to hide it….Frankly I don't understand why you need porn when there's Kanoe around but never mind…."

Kusanagi contemplates burying himself alive.

Suddenly Nataku spots something in Kusanagi's magazine "hey! That girl was with me in kindergarten class!"

Fuma keeps smiling fatherly "yes Nataku dear, and I bet she's grown into a lovely young woman by now."

Nataku is slightly upset, his words were not fully understood. "I wouldn't recognize her if she grew up, she probably did by now, but" he pulls out the magazine that was hidden behind the weapons magazine. The cover reads 'naughty schoolgirls in wonderland'"she's still a little girl in here…. "

* * *

on a building opposite to the Sunshine 60, where Seishiro stands after he watched Subaru get his eye poked out. He and Fuma had finished talking their enigmatic talk.

Fuma lands by Seishiro on the metal beam the onemoji stands on. He pulls the 'sexy exchange of gestures' game by stealing Seishiro's cigarette and planting it in his own mouth and starts to smoke it.

Seishiro pulls another cigarette out to light it only to have it kidnapped again.

With a sexy naughty grin, Fuma Smokes two cigarettes at a time.

Seishiro thinks for a while then pulls out another cigarette, lights it.

Fuma steals it too.

The routine repeats itself again.

Fuma takes the forth cigarette and inhales it's and three other cigarettes' smoke….after several seconds he starts choking and going grin in the face, folding in half with coughs and disgust.

Seishiro bends down to Fuma's face and with his trademark smile he's raising a middle finger at Fuma.

* * *

in the DoE's lair. Yuuto sits draped over a couch reading some sleazy porn magazine.

Fuma walks over and takes a peek at the magazine"Yuutoooo! What's this!"

"what? You told Nataku and Kusanagi it's alright to read porn out in the open here!"

"yes, porn, but this!" he Lifts the magazine, the headline says 'Sexy Bishonen in Basketball clothes

Yuto shrugs "it's where I recognized you again after I saw you entering the Koya kid's Kekkai…."

Fuma turns away shamefully "I was young, I needed the money…."

* * *

on the rooftops of Tokyo

Sorata sits on a rooftop watching the door of Kamui's rented room after said boy entered it bleeding and wounded. Quickly he notices Yuuto standing on a treetop watching the same thing.

The Kouya monk becomes suspicious "who are you mister?"

Yuuto waves his hand dismissively "I'm just passing through, don't mind me"

"a casual passerby wouldn't be climbin' no tree"

"it was a nice night. I thought I'd take a stroll."

Sorata soon realizes who Yuuto is and the two start brandishing their weapons when into the area walks Chi (4) stepping from lamppost to lamppost.

Both Sorata and Yuuto completely forget about it and follow her with their hungry eyes.

Sorata's are almost popped out of their sockets "hey, there's a naked chick there!"

a sly smile spreads on Yuuto's face "indeed"

Sorata _looks _from Chi to Yuuto then again at Chi and back to Yuuto"hey! I saw her first!"

"now now when you think of it there's not really a need to fight over her now is there…."

"there isn't?"

Down on the street, Fuma cycles towards the scene until he can see everyone there. They, on the other hand, don't see him.

"hey! There's a naked chick there…….but Kamui is hurt, I must go help him! Ooo….UST (5)" he resumes cycling forward following the path of blood stains left by Kamui

Chi looks backwards at Yuuto and Sorata"chiiiiii?"

Yuuto send the malicious smile at Sorata "look at her she's tasty, isn't she?"

"damn straight she is"

"she'd go nicely inside a sandwich(6) …. if you get what I'm saying…."

a sly smile finely spreadsSorata's across face as well "yeah. Hey, we don't have to fight at all about anything"

* * *

The Day Subaru Came To Visit (7)

In their secret hideout (or lair….or studio….however you see it fit) CLAMP sit waiting for Subaru.

The door opens

CLAMP wave little flags, shoot confetti into the air with joy and scream "welcooooooome!"

Subaru walks into the room with a machine gun looking very VERY angry

"hello, my name is Sumeragi Subaru, you made my life into an angst filled hell, prepare to die!"

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!**"

* * *

in Hinoto's lair. All the Seals are gathered before the dreamgazer.

Hinoto raises her pale red eyes to the Seals "Kamui, I have dreamt a dream of what is to come. Kamui, the Kamui of the DoE will pay you a visit tonight."

Kamui is shocked.

Subaru lands a comforting hand on Kamui's shoulder "don't worry Kamui, I'll make sure you'll be alright."

Kamui looks up to his friend teary eyed with happiness "really?"

"yes, I'll lend you my tube of lube"

_(I was thinking about that when I tried to writer Night Visit and realized half way through that I forgot about means of lubrication….smart girl….)_

_

* * *

_

in the DoE's lair. Nataku is tucked down to sleep by his 'father figure'

Fuma sits on the edge of Nataku's bed "alright Kazuki, what would you like to hear tonight for a bedtime story?"

"ummm……Snow white and the seven dwarfs"

"alright dear, here it is" smiling kindly, Fuma picks up a children's book

"don't forget to translate it for me"

"okay, here we go: 01000010011111101010101110101000111000111001"

Satsuki walks in, snuggles down near Nataku and listens as well "ooo, then what happens?"

* * *

in the DoE's lair.

Seishiro walks over to Fuma proudly "'Kamui', remember that mission you gave me a couple of days ago?'

"to rid Kusanagi of his obsession with under aged semi naked girls? Yes, what about it?"

Seishiro beams a proud grin "mission complete!"

"really? Well let's go see shall we?"

They walk over to Kusanagi who's sitting on a sofa reading the usual 'Guns for Maniacs or something' magazine. He cringes as the two other harbingers approach him.

Fuma snatches the book hidden behind the magazine and looks at it disapprovingly

Kusanagi breaks under the pressure and starts crying "….I can't help it, they're so young and pretty…..and those short school uniform …"

"Seishiro…."

"What is it 'Kamui'?"

Fuma showsSeishiro the Clamp Campus Detectives copy "I wasn't thinking of this kind of a change in his preferences….."

* * *

in the DoE's lair. Satsuki sits at her Beast watching Tokyo. Suddenly she senses a DoH around.

"Beast, change the traffic camera's direction on pole 50A to look at the people in the street"

_beep beep _

The image seen on Satsuki's screen is of Yuzuriha walking the street towards the pole

In the street

Inuki _starts growling at pole 50A _

Alarmed, Yuzuriha turns to her inugami "what is it Inuki? A DoE? Where?"

Inuki sniffs said pole

"well, if there's a DoE around do something about it"

Inuki nears the pole, lifts one leg towards it and aims at the fuse box.

At the DoE's lair.

Satsuki and Beast_ BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ_

Satsuki shakes the electricity from her ears "what the ….was that! Beast, activate the camera on the pole next to this one."

Beast shows a picture of Yuzuriha holding up a middle finger at said camera.

* * *

Near the fountain thingy Yuuto babbled with Satsuki, flirting heavily. Yuuto stands playing with the waters using his powers. A little blond boy rushes up to him happily.

The boy pulls on Yuuto's sleeve to get his attention "uncle Yuuto, uncle Yuuto, tell me how to control water like you do! can I do it too? Please tell me how you do it!"

Yuuto thinks back to the first time he met with Kanoe"hmmm well you focus your powers and then you try to think of a reason to work them."

"a reason to work them?"

"yeah, like I always think of the girl I'm trying to get laid with when I impress her with the water works."

"oooooo"

* * *

(reffering to chapter 21 of the anime)

into a subway train wagon enters Yuuto. After a while Karen walks in as well.

Yuuto waits for the last minute then rushes off to a different wagon.

Karen gasps and runs off only to be stopped as the wagon's doors are close and the train begins to move

Behind the window of his new wagon's door Yuuto's kindly waving goodbye at Karen.

Fuma approaches Yuuto from behind"bwak wak wak wak wak (8)"

"grrrrr"

Seiichiro looks up from his paper at the two DoE and wonders.

Harbingers (those who are left because by now Sei-chan is dead…) also come on the wagon and stand around Yuto"bwaaaaaak wak wak wak wak wak wak"

"grrrrrrrrr "

suddenly Fuma tenses "I sense a dragon of heaven approaching…"

in the meantime Seiichiro hides behind his newspaper

Subaru enters the wagon stoically, walks up to Yuto"I have a message from Seishiro – san's spirit" dramatic pause_ "_he says," dramatic pause_ "_bwaaaaaak wak wak wak wak"

"errrrrrrr **that's it!" ** Yuuto _grabs _Seiichiro by the collar"alright four-eyes, **bring it on!"**

"eeep!"

* * *

in the CLAMP Campus dorms for the DoH. Sorata sits at his sickbed staring out of the window in complete shock.

Yuzuriha closes the door to Sora's room, starts crying "it's not fair, Sorata and Arashi were getting so happy together, and she really loved him" she begins to sob.

Karen puts a friendly hand on Yuzuriha "don't worry dear, I'm sure it was all from love and that Arashi will return soon"

Seiichiro enters the conversation "actually I don't know about the way Sorata is though, he seems in complete shock, a bit like you Kamui after Kotori died"

Kamui looks away sadly "yes….and Subaru isn't even around to go within him and pull him out of it…."

Suddenly out of Sora's room a great yelp is heard

The seals rush into the room as fast as they can

They see Sorata jumping up and down on the bed waving his hands "I GOT LAID! I GOT LAID! I GOT LAID!"

Kamui sighs "something tells me he got over his shock…."

* * *

Names

"Kamui….don't go face off Fuma….you'll never know what he might do to you…"

"don't worry Subaru, I know how to stop him if he gets too far"

Later on that evening on the roof of some half destroyed building.

Fuma approaches a beaten up Kamui with predatory eyes. starts molesting Kamui then growls"Kamui…."

"Fuma…."

"……..Kamui…."

"Fuma..."

"………………….'Kamuii'….."

Kamui looks up innocently at Fuma"Fuma…."

"…..'K-a-m-u-I'!"

Later on that evening, back at the DoH's dorms, Kamui walks in unharmed and happy (!) "works like a charm, every time"

* * *

(referring to Book 14 of the manga)

at Ebisu train station (9) Fuma is sleeping on a bench. A little girl walks up to him looking at him unhappy "hey! Wake up! You can't do that! "

out of no where Sorata suddenly grabs the girl from behind and shuts her up

Arashi panics at this strange act "what are you doing!"

Sorata points at the sleeping Fuma "I have an idea…." He takes a magic marker out of his pocket

Meanwhile, in Kakyou's dreamscape

Fuma leans closer and closer to Kakyou "A dreamseer should know that best of all. Besides…."

In the meantime Kakyou notices, behind Fuma's back, the vision of what's happening in the real world.

Fuma continues "if the future does change your wish won't come true. "

noting Fuma is ready to leave,Kakyouforming a plan

Fuma sends an evil grin at Kakyou, his back is almost to the dreamgazer "for I am the only one….who can ever take your life."

"and what a handsome man it is that will take my life away…."

Fuma's surprised in a good way "Kakyou, I didn't know you swing that way….not that I'm complaining…"

Kakyou sends a little prayer to the next world "Hokuto, forgive me" he sits up, wraps his arms around Fuma"and how wonderful those glasses look on you…."

"really now?" Evil smirk

Once the DoHs are finished….The girl shakes Fuma's sleeping form "wake up sir…."

"mmmm, but I was having such a wonderful dream…."

"someone drew all over your face…."

Fuma shots to his feet, finds some mirror and stare_ "_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

* * *

(referring to chapter 8)

after Fuma & Kotori's father's funeral. Kotori notices Kamui by her house's gate.

she walks over to Kamui "Shiro – kun! Thank you for coming, it made me happy."

Kamui tries to keep a mental distance between them "how are you?"

"I was sort of prepared for it but still…..Fuma is taking it a little bit harder though…."

Suddenly Kamui is listening "oh….really….well….umm….perhaps I should go and comfort him" plotting, plotting, plotting"I think he might need a…..shoulder to cry on" starts walking away

Kotori understands exactly what's going on"hey Shiro – kun! I need some comforting too! Look, look, I'm crying!" Mock crying to getattention (A.N: oh just die already!)

"here" Kamui hands her a box of tissues"wipe your nose…" turns towards the house

In the little room Fuma sits in, deep in thoughts, eyes close.

Kamui walks in and sits by Fuma and puts a hand on his shoulder"Fuma?"

"shhhhh" Fuma's still with his eyes closed.

"are you meditating "

"shhhh!"

"are you going within or something? Are you trying to reach something?"

"I'm getting in touch with my inner seme"

"oooo, what's a seme?"

Fuma opens his eyes, the DoE look in them"this is a seme" pounces Kamui

"KYAAAAAAA!"

Meanwhile in the dreamscape from earlier

Kazahaya blinks at the present as it appears in Kakyou's dreamscape "dude! He said 'KYAAAA!'. girls 'kyaaa', guys 'gyaaa' (11) why is he making girlie noises?"

By his side Kakyou also observes the present "Ukes do that"

"really?"

"sure, here, scare me"

Kazahaya thinks a little then shrugs "all right….BOOOOO!"

"KYAAAAAAA!"

"DUDE!"

* * *

(referring to chapter 8 again)

in Seishiro's maboroshi….Kamui is holding on to the unconscious Kotori from falling off an illusionary rock.

Seishiro smirks atop his imaginary cliff :what a pity it is, if you hold out on the girl you won't be able to react to my attacks"starts hurling rocks towards Kamui

Fuma runs into the maboroshi, huddles over Kamui shielding him with his body. turning to Seishiro he screams possessively "MY UKE!** MINE! **Go play with yours"

"oh, so sorry about that…."

* * *

Seiichiro runs towards the fire mistress "Karen, are you mad, throwing yourself on the line like that thinking that no one will grieve for you if you die? It's not true! I will grieve for you!"

"you would? oh, Aoki-san!"

Seiichiro grabs her shoulders shaking her a little bit but actually hugs her"oh Karen, you are an amazing person, how can you think no one will miss you when you're gone!"

"oh Aoki-san…" runs her hand along the side of his face"_….._you're…."

suddenly Karen and Aoki note the presence of the younger Seals

Karen continues what she started to say "such a nice father and husband….you shouldn't put your life on the line as well…"

Yuzuriha sighs "what do they think we're stupid!"

* * *

if Chobits was a part of the Clamp universe (12)

in Pleasure Palace (Yorokonde to all of those who watched the anime)

Sorata's drinking beer alone. Half listening to the drabble of the workers around him

Hideki passes by, talking to the bar's manager "so anyways Chi, my persocom, found my dirty magazines and began copycatting the girls there, honestly, sometimes I think she'll do anything I'll tell her just because I'm her owner!"

a light bulb flashes above Sorata's head. he runs off without finishing his beer.

A few days later, in Sorata's room. By Sorata stands a persocom designed like Arashi. Dressed very scantly….very scantly.

"you have a phone call darling." Says the machine

Sorata smiles merrily "bring it on."

Arashicom pulls out a bottle of chocolate syrup

"no, not that dear, the caller, bring him on to talk to me, connect the call."

From Arashicom the voice of an old man breaks out "/Sorata! What the hell were you thinking when you pulled out that sum of money from your account/"

"oh, old man stargazer….how are you?"

'/what on earth did you spend it all on! Don't you know all that money pays for the monks still living in Kouya! Have you no shame/"

Kamui walks into the room "Sora? Who's that yelling at you?"

Arashi walks in after Kamui. Sees Sorata, splayed on the bed with the Arashicom sitting at his lap with the chocolate syrup still in hand "GRRRRRRR"

Sorata sweatdrop "oh my".

* * *

Subaru bacons Kamui to his room "Kamui! Look, I've quit smoking!"

"is that why you're sitting in a pile of empty nicotine patch packs?"

"oh…well I do need to get the stuff into me until I completely quit you know, without smoking and all."

"uh huh…"

"so I'm using nicotine patches and I will drop their number one by one, one day at a time, until I'm completely cured!"

"uh huh…" walks over to Subaru "my god you're **covered** with them! Head to toe, there's even one on your forehead, Subaru that's…..scary! here, this one….I think it's actually sucking the stuff **from** you!" Takes off spoken patch

"NOOOOOOOO! DON'T TAKE ANY OFF! **AAAAAA!** IT HURTS, IT HURTS! **PUT IT BACK!** QUICK BEFORE I GO INSANE!"

"before!"

* * *

how to destroy a kekkai

on the rooftop near a building where Seishiro just killed someone.

Fuma turns to Kusanagi by him "now pay good attention Kusanagi because I'm going to teach you how to destroy a Kekkai."

"why should I learn that, 'aint it enough that I'm a DoE?"

"a lazy DoE you mean! Now pay attention, this way to destroy a kekkai is fun."

"umm….okay."

Fuma turns to Seishiro, who is also standing by him "Seishiro, would you like some ice cream?"

"why of course I would, what flavor is it?"

"chocolate chips."

"oo, chocolate…."

"….yes, I like any ice cream flavor, anything but vanilla that is……"

"mmmm, well, how can I resist that then" takes a bite from the ice cream cone Fuma holds out to him "mmm, that hits the spot_."_

The building right across them gets destroyed to rubble crashing down while causing an earthquake

Kusanagi blinks in shock "wow! That was awesome! How do you call it?"

Fuma smirks evilly "Death by Innuendo."

* * *

Kamui's NOT gay….

Yuzuriha bounces to Kamui's side "Kamui, does this dress look good on me? Does it make my bum look big in this? Does the color match my eyes?"

Kamui blinks at her in confusion

Now Arashi walks up to him "Kamui, can you help me do my make up?"

He cracks "why the **hell** are you asking **me** all those questions!"

"well…..you know….."

"no, I don't, enlighten me…."

Yuzuriha chuckles "gay guys are always good at these things so we thought of asking you, you know.,…"

After a few seconds in which Kamui recovers his shock he manages to speak "but I'm not gay….."

All Seals suddenly call out "**WHAT!"**

"why are you so surprised!"

the first one to snap out of their shock is Sorata "oh, I get it, he's in denial, it's okay little one, as soon as all those teen hormones clear from your blood you're sexuality will be much more obvious to you. everyone go through that stage you know 'am I attacked to men? Am I attracted to women? Maybe I should try and see what I like' you know."

Arashi pretends she's not hearing any of this.

Kamui smiles kindly at Sorata, sure they kid him "but I'm not gay, I **know** I'm not"

Looking behind her Yuzuriha notes the rest "oh no, Subaru has gotten into shock; I think he's withdrawing inside….."

Subaru is shaking violently, his eyes crazed "**OF COURSE YOU'RE GAY KAMUI!"**

Everyone sweatdrop

Subaru continues "look, look, here, let me straighten your tie……" straightens Kamui's tie. "Well, how did it feel? Didn't you just feel the tension rising."

"……no……"

nearby Seishiro smirks "I definitely had something rising, I never thought I'd like watching two ukes play."

Fuma smirks back "you're the source of all evil, aren't you Seishiro?"

Seishiro's still smirking.

Back to Kamui "I'm not an uke, you have to be gay to be an uke and I'm straight."

Keiichi bounces over "here, let me try….oh, oh, it's an earthquake, oh my, oh look" drops on Kamui and lays on top of him "oh Kamui you're so beautiful, you know that?"

"…..you're heavy…."

"WAAAAAAHHHH!"

Subaru tries to gather his wits enough to talk properly "look, it's getting everything out of balance here Kamui. You see, me and you, Fuma and Seishiro. We're the Ukes team, they're the Seme team….if you're not gay then…..it's…..it's…".

Fuma and Seishiropeering at Subaru from each side of him with an evil grin

"hen I'm left all alone with them…..eeep!"

Fuma walks towards Kamui 'look, Kamui, when I was licking blood off of your neck before I killed Kotori, why did you make all those noises?"

"because I was in severe shock and it hurt like hell to even think…."

"and why did you make that face when I was licking you?"

"you misjudged my 'oh my god, my best friend has turned into a psycho molester' look for something else"

"……and when I was licking tears from your face…."

"I was used to you by now so I thought that if I'd play your game you'd get bored and leave me alone…."

Fuma starts twitching as well "….no longer…..super seme Fuma…….can't accept…..error….**error**…."

Seishiro sighs "now who's in shock."

Yuuto pops his head in "'error'! maybe Satsuki should have a look at him…"

Kamui turns to the crowd gathered around him by now "look I think you're all overreacting about it, haven't you read the whole 'Kotori and Kamui' thing, the **girl** that I loved and her brother whom I **trusted** **the most**, nothing more! Sorata! Even you said that me and Kotori were a cute young couple!"

Sorata walks forward "I was watching you from the distance, that was book 1 I didn't get to know you well and I didn't know what an uke you really are.'

"I'm starting to be annoyed here, I am **NOT** an uke!"

Kakyou brings himself into the group "I have word from Hokuto regarding this problem, Subaru, if I may have your attention for a moment."

Subaru had collapsed on the floor twitching some while ago, now raises his head "Hokuto! Oh, yes, yes, I'm here."

Kakyo and Subaru whisper amongst themselves for a while. In the end a light returns to Subaru's eyes "aaaaaaa! But of course, but of course! I'll go get….umm…." he looks at Kamui's suspicious look "I'll just go away for a second."

Seishiro starts getting a hint of what is going on "no way! He can't be! I wonder if he still has it."

Subaru returns with The TB Hat (13) hidden behind his back, makes a little gesture for Keiichi.

Keiichi jumps up and down in front of Kamui "HEY KAMUI! GOOD DAY! GOOD MORNING! HOW ARE YOU! WANT TO HAVE LUNCH WITH ME!"

Kamui blinks at him.

Subaru sneaks up behind Kamui

Kamui senses something and turns around

Subaru quickly hides the hat behind him and whistles"oh look Kamui, it's your **good friend** Keiichi, pay him some attention will ya love?"

Kamui grunts "what are you plotting?"

Keiichi quickly grabs Kamui and spins him around "look at me Kamui, I'm your friend aren't I?" To Subaru "NOOOOOOOW!"

Subaru quickly puts the hat on Kamui

Kamui is in shock, his eyes are blank and little white lines go through it (Chobits like) while little clicking sounds come from his head like a working computer "……why….Keiichi….you're…..such a kind person to me all the time….you're really nice I mean" he smiles at the blond.

Everyone begin to cheer "we did it!"

The wind blows and takes the hat off of Kamui.

Kamui snaps out of his slight daze, shaking his head "wha! Ooo, I feel weird..."

Everyone glare at Seiichiro and Saiki

Seiichiro and Saiki squirm slightly "we didn't do it!"

Kamui comes to his senses completely "heeeeey!" he picks up the Hat "you were putting this magical hat on me, weren't you? That's cheating!"

Subaru whistles innocently "magical? magical! What are you talking about Kamui, it's just an ordinary hat!"

"oh really!" he walks over to Seiichiro and Karen

Karen is showing off her hardly covered body.

Seiichiro stands squirming by her uncomfortably "ooh, oh god Karen – san, I mean really…."

Kamui places the hat on Seiichiro/

After his small moment of adaptation Seiichiro 'tssk's at Karen "now Karen darling, sweetie, your hair is cherry pink so I wouldn't keep running around in that flaming red clothes you know daaaaarling. try black or white or something else because that hair color just keeps clashing with every other thing, 'kay sweaty"

Kamui takes the hat off of Seiichiro

Seiichiro returns to his squirming "oooo, Karen – san, seriously now I'm a married man with a child….. "

Kamui snarls at the rest "that was proof one!" he walks over to Yuzuriha and Kusanagi.

Kusanagi pets Inuki lovingly "oh, little miss, what a charming little dog you have, yes, I can see your dog!"

Kamui puts the hat on Kusanagi

Kusanagi recovers his shock and sneaks away behind Nokuro (14)

Suoh pins Kusanagi away with daggers "don't you dare lay a hand on my Kaichu"

Nokuro turns to his blue haired bodyguard "oh Suoh! You're so brave, you saved me once more!" he throws his arms around Suoh,.

"of course I'll protect you all the time my Kaichu, for I am your Takamura and you are my one!"

Akira stands a little away from them with a cynical expression "what do they think I'm stupid!"

Kamui takes the hat off of Kusanagi "I rest my case!"

Karen speaks "look, I have the solution for this, you have all been way too aggressive with the poor boy. Here" she walks over to Kamui "So if Fuma isn't your seme then why are you so obsessed about getting him back?"

"because he was my best friend, he and Kotori and I were always playing together in those long ago happy childhood days when I had no worries on my mind and only had fun all day. After mom died and I was all alone in the world Kotori and Fuma were the only remains of my old happy life so I clung to them. Now that Kotori is dead Fuma is the only one left that is special to me….."

"a ha! so if he is your friend, and he's **special** to you then he is…."

"my special f…..**HEYYYYY!** I know what you're trying to pull here! And you won't convince me!"

Yuutu sighs"well I guess desperate times call for desperate measures, Satsuki, unleash the beasts!"

A huge cage's doors open and into the area millions of fangirls stream, various weapons in hand.

Fuma grabs Kamui and takes him up on the Tokyo tower where they can observe the mass gathered below them

Kamui looks down in complete shock "wh…..wha…..what is **that!"**

"a force stronger even then destiny….well….maybe not in the onimoji's case…." He snigger

Seishiro and Subaru glare back.

Kamui shivers "oh my god! What do they want!"

The Fangirls are chanting in rhythm "Yaoi, yaoi, yaoi, yaoi, yaoi, yaoi!"

Sorata, on a lower beam on the tower tries overshooting them "yuri, yuri, yuri"

The Fangirls ignore him

Sorata shrugs "a guy can have his hopes can't he"

Kamui swatdrops "well………I guess I don't have a choice.……."

Fuma grabs Kamui and flops him over his shoulder like bounty

"will it hurt?"

"not unless you want it to"

* * *

a short one

Seishrio, with the kind TB Sei-chan smile"trust me, I'm a doctor."

* * *

Satsuki sits to tea with Kanoe "so, how did you meet Yuuto?"

Kanoe sips her tea calmly and smirks "when he just moved in to work in my building. He was just coming out of the elevator."

"and did you know he was a Harbinger?"

"why yes, immediately!"

"how?"

"because the moment he got onto the elevator a sh load of feathers started flying around me that's how! (15)"

* * *

IF Chobits was a part of the Clamp universe 2

Arashi smacks Sorata at the back of the neck "you idiot!" Smack "You pervert!" Smack "how dare you get one of those dolls that look like me and dress her up like me?" Smack "and what was she about to do with that syrup?"

Sorata doggy whimpers

Subaru walks into the room "hey guys, what's up with beating Sorata like that this time?"

Kamui explains "Sorata got one of those persocom in the shape of Arashi and dressed her up in skimpy clothes then made her about to do something with a chocolate syrup."

Subaru stares for a moment, shocked "……oh…..really…..ano….that's disgusting! Horrible! Now….errr, if you don't mind I ummm….I have to go feed my shikigami" he vanishes down the corridor

Kamui's suspicious "hmmm."

Subaru enters his room after checking there's no one around.

The moment he closes the door behind him he's pinned to it by a Seishiro looking personcom hardly dressed in strips of leather bands and the likes….very little of it.

Seishiro-sancom purrs at the man"hello Subaru – kun "

"ano…Seishrio – sancom" Subaru blushes

They fall backwards as the door is opened from the outside and land in the corridor. Outside are the rest of the Seals

Kamui looks down at them "disgusting and horrible huh?"

P.S:

Karencom chirps at her owner "oh Aoki-san, you're such a good husband and father, you're so nice"

"oh ho ho ho" blush "Karen – san….."

Aoki's wife calls from another room "honey? Who's this in our room?"

"oh! Errr, nothing dear, I'm just fixing the robotic cleaner's speech chip"

* * *

Subaru and Seishiro in a fight, pick any of the fights they ever had

Subaru's preparing a handful of ofudas in hand

Seishiro smirks at him "you're not going to throw those 'attack' doves at me again are you? They're so useless that my hand is tired from making that protecting pentacle. "

"don't worry" throws the ofudas

And they turn to doves, only this time they don't fly at Seishiro but above him, giving him a good poo shower

Seishiro glares.

Subaru smiles.

The Tree starts laughing hysterically "pffffff HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Shaking it's branches and bends a bit to the laughter

Seishiro glares at the tree

Subaru leans against the laughing tree, lighting a cigarette

* * *

more of Miyuki-Chan

the Queen _cracks _a whip at Miyuki "call me mistress!"

Miyuki squirms under the whip "eeep!"

Karen, standing aside beams "hey I have an outfit like that"

The Seals stare at her shocked

Yutu pops in as well "yes, I remember you wore it once…"

All stare at them in shock.

* * *

Little Kamui runs to Tohru "mommy can we have a bonfire?"

"NOOOO!"

* * *

Fuma growls at his twin star "damn it Kamui how many times must I lick blood off of you before you give me some?"

"pardon me for not instantly falling for your charms…."

Seishiro leans over his prey "Subaru – kun….."

"oh I've had enough of your stupid sakura pranks; I want someone more caring and sensitive. Someone who loves me openly and don't go murdering my sister and stuff. someone who'll wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me instead of marking me as pray to declare ownership…"

Kamui hangs big wobbly eyes at Subaru

Fuma realizes what's going on "oh I see, I see, fine then! Stick together you couple of repressed-shy-virgin-ukes!"

Seishiro snarls as well "yeah! We're taking off without you" joins arms with Fuma

Subaru and Kamui merely stare at them carelessly.

Fuma begins to walk away with Seishiro"bet you won't even be able to touch each other, you'll be so deep in your own personal angsting!"

They ignore him.

Seishrio turnes to his leader "come 'Kamui', let's go eat ice cream together" they get some distance from Subaru and Kamui

Subaru folds his arms on his chest "I'm giving them five minutes."

Kamui whips his eyes back to Subaru "3, wanna bet?"

Subaru shudders "ummm, I better not, I'm not very good at this stuff…"

Fuma keeps walking "yeah, we'll show them! And we'll have great sex too!"

Seishiro chirps at his side "you bet ya!..."

"……."

"….."

Fuma mutters "……I'm on top…."

"no, I'm on top!"

Fuma kindly smiles "he he, you forgot, I am your 'Kamui'"

"and you're forgetting that I'm older and more experienced then you"

Fuma stops walking and faces Seishiro** "I'm **on top!"

"no, **me!"**

"me!"

"me!'

Subaru smirks, checking his watch :what did I tell you, five minutes on the dot! I know my Sei-san well:

Kamui shakes his head "damn…"

* * *

at rainbow bridge, the battle between Subaru and Seishiro is over.

Subaru's crying, burring his face in Seishiro's hairs.

Kamui lands by Subaru "oh, my poor poor Subaru, your heart is broken and you're all alone in the world! How, oh, how could I ever make you happy again" hint hint

Subaru hangs hopeful teary eyes at the boy standing by him "oh Kamui…."

Seishiro faintly, muffled by Subaru's chest"I'm not dead yet"

Kamui spits at him "of course you are he just punched a hole through your heart!"

"I'm getting better!"

Subaru waves it off "don't worry he'll be dead in a couple of minutes."

"I feel happyyyyyy "

Kamui hits Seishiroand he finely dies. "there, now, where were we?"

* * *

(referring to book 1)

Kamui is in the Monou estate after his fight with Saiki. Fuma turns to the doctor "doctor? What should we do with Kamui?"

"don't worry, he's all sorted out, I **bandaged** him!"

"is that enough! I mean, he had a huge gush in his ribs doctor, shouldn't we take him to hospital or something?"

"oh no no no, no need for that, I **bandaged **him (_eyes starting to take a somewhat manic sparkle)_"

"shouldn't you at least stitch him!"

"nonsense! Bandages are the cure for everything from a broken limb to a mostly skewered by glass shreds body!"

"glass shreds!'

"you'll understand soon"

"um…..okay I suppose…..but, Doctor, he has a fever I think"

the Doctor checks Kamui "ah you're right! Have a wet cloth draped across his forehead to cool his head."

"shouldn't you also be giving him medicine or something to help with the fever?"

"what! Nonsense! I've seen this in all the manga and anime, a wet cloth will do just good! Oh, and have a fair maiden with a romantic link to him refresh the cloth from time to time and tend him while he recovers!"

"…..can I do it?.

"you'll get your chance later"

* * *

fangirls

in Kakyou's dreamscape

Fuma grabs Kakyou by the neck, nearing his face to Kakyou most meaningfully "you really should be carefully with who you're inviting into your dreamscape Kakyou, if you keep talking to DoH's I'll just have to punish you, won't I….."

Hokuto pops out of no where "ooo, ooo, oooo, punish him! Punish him! Punish him!"

Kakyou and Fuma stare at her in shock.

"eeep! I was saying that out loud!...anoooo….just ignore me, pretend I'm not here…"

Kakyou stares longingly at his girlfriend "Hokuto…..what are you doing?"

Fuma thinking out loud "you know, I was wondering why she was working so hard to get her brother hitched with another man…."

Kakyou sighs "some fangirls just can't be satisfied…."

Kotori popping out of no whereas well "Hokuto –chan, did I miss anything good?"

Hokuto glares at her 'not now!"

"oh I see, here" shoves a video camera to Hokuto's hand"tape the best bits for me!"

Fuma sweatdrops.

* * *

at clamp campus hospital room where Kotori sleeps in her bed. Kamui enters the room Fuma sits on the chair by Kotori's bed, his back arched and his head low his eyes are closed as he talk "you've decided, haven't you?"

"huh?"

"you chose to accept rather then change."

"Fuma?"

"you've chosen the dragons of heaven with the seven seals…." Fuma's rising from his chair

"did something happen?"

"if you are to become the dragon of heaven" walks towards Kamui in the doorway "then I will be the one to become the dragon of earth" reaching out to grab Kamui's face

"w….what are you….saying….Fuma?"

Fuma reaches behind Kamui and grabs….well….not the sword…..

"KYAAAAAAA!" Grabs the script, rolls it and bashes Fuma with it "THE SWORD!" _smack _ "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GRAB THE SWORD"

in a singsong tone Fuma smirk "sorry about that "

Seishiro pops into the scene "I would like to mention that I had nothing to do with any of that"

* * *

ownership

(referring to book 1…I think)

Fuma walk out of Kamui's sick room, spots Kotori on the other end of the door….stare

Kotori freaks a little "eep!...ehhh……"

Fuma stare

Kotori staresangrily "he's mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"DAAAAAADDDYYYYYYYYY"

Mr. Monou walks over tiredly "what is it children?"

Kotori evilly point at her brother "Fuma wants to have Kamui all to himself!"

Fuma freezes on his spot at this forced outing, he expects the worst from his traditional father.

Mr. Monou's in silence for a while………….then tears start wallowing in his eyes

Kotori whispers to her brother "look now, he's gonna cry of shame now"

Mr. Monou bursts out "I'M SO PROUD!"

Fuma and Kotori say in sync "eeeeeeh?"

Mr. Monoue cries tears of joy "my own son ……keeping up the tradition…"

Kotori starts boiling with anger "exactly what tradition is that!"

"why, the Clamp tradition of course!"

"eh!"

"I always wanted to do it too but, as my father explained to me when he handed the shrine to my keeping, I will keep it by pretending to be oblivious to my wife and her female neighbor's doing. When I had you two I always hoped that one of you will also keep the tradition, and here you are!" he walks over to Fuma and pets him on the back fatherly "that's my boy!"

Fuma blushes.

Mr. Monoue starts crying again "I always wanted to keep the tradition directly…but now when I think of it….I mean look" puts Subaru's hat on"it looks silly on me, doesn't it…"

Kotori ignores her father "well I don't care about tradition, he's still MINE!"

"Mine!"

in the background of their fight Mr. Monou still rambles on about his history with the Clamp tradition and his wife and Tohru.

Kamui bursts out of the room, steaming with anger"could you shut up already, I'm trying to rest here!"

* * *

why Clamp can't finish X the manga

in Clamp's studio, the four girls sit terrified of what's before them. Kamui and Fuma stand in their studio fighting

Kamui shouts at the women "finish it with the movie ending!"

Fuma shouts as well "series ending!"

"movie ending!"

"series ending!"

"movie ending!"

"angst boy!"

"sadist!"

"uke!"

Kamui turns his back to Fuma "hmmf if you'll really think about it you'll see there's no insult in that."

Clamp try to crawl towards them begging "ano…please give us back our studio…."

* * *

prank calls (16)

in the DoE's layer. Everyone's sitting in the living room (well I guess they have one….) the phone rings and Seishiro answers it.

"Mushi mushi"

from the speaker heavy breathingcould be heard "what are you doing now madam?"

"oh dear, it's those calls again I'm not a madam" hangs up"if that idiot calls again I'll" looks behind his back"well, they're not animals but they're close… "

The telephone rings again, Seishiro picks it up again and when he hears heavy breathing he turns the speaker to the DoEs

"heh hehe heh…what sort of underwear are you wearing?"

Fuma answers with an evil smile"my black satin boxers with 'he who hunts the authority of god' sewn in red."

Nataku looks up to him "…….daddy, what are underwear?"

Satsuki fixes her glasses atop her nose "I find this question pointless and the subject ridiculous but I am bored there for I am wearing my (censured) (censured) (censured) (censured) with the black (censured) (censured) (censured) on the front and (censured) (censured) at the back."

The DoE stare at her in shock.

Yuutu snaps out of it first "holy…."

Kusnagai looks away angrily "and they call _me_ a cradle snatcher. By the way, I'm wearing my 'Ishagimasu airborne platoon, class of august 1997; respect' boxers."

Yuutu beams happily "I'm wearing a little black thong with silver stripes"

Now the DoE stare at him in shock.

Yuutu beams some more "Kanoe bought it for me….."

"and you're a very good boy for wearing them" Kanoe wraps herself around him then she turns to the rest and suggestively answers the question herself. "I'm not wearing anything (hint hint) "

Fuma sighs "just who exactly are you suggesting to!"

Kanoe looks around at Seishiro…..Kusanagi…..a sleeping Kakyou….and Fuma"oh….right…."

From the phone other sounds can be heard now "Sorata! Stop hogging the phone line all the time! What are you doing there anyways! _struggling noises_ give me that! No it's mine, Yuzuhriha-chaaaan! Others want to use the phone too! I'm almost finished! _loud bang _there, now…." The phone hangs up on the other end of the line.

Seishiro shrugs and hangs up

Kusanagi's mobile starts ringing. He sweatdrops.

* * *

training

Sorata pats Kamui on the back friendly 'so, Kamui, why won't you tell us a little about your childhood experiences at Okinawa?"

Kamui sweatdrops "actually I thought it'd be embarrassing if I told you where I really went so I told you we moved to Okinawa…..in real my mom sent me to Ukenawa…."

"huh?"

"….you know, for training…."

Subaru gets up and goes to his room

Fuma pops out of the window "yes and my mom sent me to summer camp in semenawa for the same reason (A.N: many thanks to Kakyou-luverx for that lovely pun and help on this sketch) _hint, hint_"

Sorata scratches his head "Semenawa! I never heard of that, where is it?"

Kamui sighes "right behind Ukenawa….(A.N: Kakyou-luverx's pun as well)"

"…..ah….."

Arashi sniggers "Sorata, you must have gone training in Painintheassnawa…."

Sorata's hurt "neechan!"

Yuzuriha bounces up and down merrily "I went to train in Genkinawa!"

Seiichiro fixes his glasses on his nose and smiles "and I went to geekinawa"

The television screen by them comes to life with Satsuki's face in it "I too went to Geekinawa, I went to the special 'computer nerds' course"

Subaru returns with a T shirt reading "Ukenawa class 42, respect!"

Kamui gasps "no way! You went there as well?"

"yes, I was in the year where they first started the 'angst-uke' training."

"Ooo I was class 51! "

Subaru turns to Kamui patronizingly "call me sempai"

Kamui bow "yes sempai!"

Sorata: I still don't get it….

* * *

Yuutu emerges from the bathroom, singing "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and……"

Fuma and Seishiro both stare at him predatorily.

Yuutu smirkes back at them "you'd like that wouldn't you" keeps walking towards Kanoe's bedroom "and I pity any girl that isn't her todaaaaaay"

"damn tease…."

* * *

the Lumberjack song

(chapter….umm…..21?)

in the subway wagon where Yutu had just sat by Aoki as they talk about their work. Yutu starts a polite conversation "are you always here at this time?"

"oh no. I actually got out earlier today. I usually receive the unproof-read manuscript from the writers late." Seiichiro starts to frown and get depressed

"it's hard work in the publication business."

Seiichiro gets even more depressed, then frustrated some "yes it is. Also, I am the one who has to apologize to the printing press instead of the writers" starts shaking with anger "it's like it never ends….and never ends…."

"!"

Seiichiro's in silence for a while, his back arched in depression and his eyes dotting from one spot to another. Suddenly he whips his head up to stare at Yutu. "you know, I never really wanted to work as an editor!"

Yuutu's slightly uncomfortable by now "r…really…."

Seiichiro gets up powerfully "no! I wanted to be a lumberjack! "

In the background a piano starts playing madly

Seiichiro continues with great pathos "Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!" drags Karen by his side "With my best girl by my side!"

Karen beams happily.

Seiichiro switched to flannel checkered shirts and jeans "The Larch! The Pine! The Giant Redwood tree! The Sequoia! The Little Whopping Rule Tree!"

Meanwhile the music in the background starts taking over every other noise and a spotlight lights Seiichiro and Karen by his side.

Seiichiro begins "We'd sing! Sing! Sing!

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,

I sleep all night and I work all day."

Seals and Harbingers storm into the wagon dressed matching, form chorus lines and sing along

"He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,

He sleeps all night and he works all day."

Seiichiro's waving his hand, the one that isn't holding Karen's waist with the rhythm

"I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,

I go to the lava-try.

On Wednesdays I go shoppin'

And have buttered scones for tea."

Seals and Harbingers swing with the rhythm

"He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,

He goes to the lava-try.

On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin'

And has buttered scones for tea."

Seiichiro, with even more pathos and sparkles in his eyes with happiness, keeps singing

"I cut down trees, I skip and jump,

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on women's clothing,

And hang around in bars."

S & H,

"He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,

He likes to press wild flowers.

He puts on women's clothing….?

And hangs around" starting to get confused and puzzled "... In bars?"

Karen starts crying

Seiichiro pays no attention

"I chop down trees, I wear high heels,

Suspendies and a bra.

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear papa."

S &H

He cuts down trees, he wears high heels

Suspendies? and a ... a Bra?"

various Seals and Harbingers look from Seiichiro to themselves in confusion, mixed voices utter bits of the song and their reactions…all but Fuma, Seishiro and Subaru who keep singing the song properly, some smugly (guess who…) "What's this?"

"Wants to be a girlie?"

"Oh, My!"

"Poofter!"

all, besides spoken SA-rs leave the wagon. Kamui looks between Subaru, Fuma and the leaving people and decides to stick in the chorus

Karen weeps "oh Aoki-san! And I thought you were so rugged!" runs away crying

Seishiro walks out of the chorus line "I would just like to remind you, that in this too I had absolutely no connection to."

Saiki walks in as well "and I would like to mention that I don't know this man (points at Seiichiro) I've never met him, never seen him, never heard of him and never talked to him!

* * *

penguins (17)

in Sunshine 60 aquarium Seishiro waits for Subaru in his 'kind veterinarian' attire. He leans over the bar protecting the penguins and smiles happily "the Magellan penguins of sunshine aquarium are always so cheerful.

Nokuro bounces besides him, followed by Souh and Akira. The blond boy beams at Seishiro "they are aren't they? Aren't they just lovely!"

Seishiro slowly turns his deadly gaze at Nokuro who in return freezes on his spot in fear. Seishiro removes his glasses ominously. The three Clamp campus detectives run away screaming.

Seishiro resumes his observing of the penguins, his glasses are back on and he smiled happily "well, hello Mr. Erect crested penguin. How are you doing?"

a powerful laughing sound comes from Seishiro's side. Fuma stands there rolling on the floor with laughter.

Seishiro starts boiling with anger.

All Fuma does is roll on the floor holding his stomach with his laughter "look at you" he points at Seishiro "look at you! Big bad Sakurazukamori talking to penguins!" he starts laughing hysterically again.

Seishiro starts growling.

"and look at how you're drawn! Look at you!" Fuma laughs on.

Seishiro simply takes his copy of X book 1 and flips through it looking for a picture embarrassing enough then shows it to Fuma "well at least I don't have bad hair!"

Fuma stops laughing and glares at Seishiro.

* * *

(referring to book 12)

while Subaru picks a fight with Fuma Nataku stands by Kamui who is bound by metal wires. Distressed, Kamui tries to reason with Nataku "why are you doing this? Can't you see you're hurting people?"

Nataku turns careless cold eyes to Kamui "no, I have no emotions and no care for people. I do this because 'Kamui' told me to…."

A colorful helium balloon flies by

Nataku whips his head to the balloon, a silly smile on his face "oooo! Pretty balloon!" he starts chasing the balloon that flies away on the violent gusts of air blowing from Fuma and Subaru's fight. "wait Mr. Baloon! Don't fly away! wait for me!"

The balloon disappears somewhere at the distance leaving Nataku sad and disappointed.

In the meantime Fuma's holding Subaru by the hair, his hand preparing to poke his eye out when Nataku pops by his side "Daaaady!"

"what is it Nataku, daddy is busy now"

"I want a balloon"

"what! ach, not now Nataku, daddy is busy, can't you see?"

Nataku pouts "but daddy…" his eyes start tearing up.

Subaru reaches to his breast pocket and pulls out his Mild 7 pack. He notices he is about to smoke the last one "damn"

Fuma rolls his eyes "alright, alright, we'll go get you a balloon"

Nataku claps his hands jumping up and down "really daddy?"

"yeeees"

"yaaaaay!"

"now where was I?" Fuma prepares to poke Subaru's eye when Nataku hurls himself on him, hanging on his neck "aaa! What are you doing!"

Nataku looks up at Fuma lovingly "I love you daddy"

Exasperated, Fuma begins sounding tired "but daddy is busy now!" he hisses through his teeth.

"okay daddy, I'll go now" Nataku turns around and waves goodbye.

Fuma waves goodbye and resumes his earlier position when Nataku pops in again "daddy? when will we go buy the balloon?"

Fuma takes a deep breath "not now that's for sure, daddy is _busy_! _Later_ okay?"

"okay daddy!" he walks away again. Only to return when Fuma's fingers are inches from Subaru's eye. "Will we go eat ice-cream later too?"

Fuma hangs his head down "……."

Subaru shrugs Fuma's hand off and starts looking around for something, fumbling with his breast pocket.

Nataku babbles on "I know you always say ice-cream is if I go to sleep like a good boy, you say 'Kazuki-chan, if you'll be good I'll take you for ice-cream tomorrow" he starts frowning, talking to himself by now "now that I think about it, that's what you say to make uncle Sei baby-sit me…."

Subaru raises and eyebrow at Fuma who glares back at him.

Nataku starts pulling on Fuma's sleeve "daddy, daddy, I want a bunny balloon!"

"alright Nataku"

"with sparkles!"

"okay Nataku….but daddy is…daddy is…" Fuma notices Subaru had disappeared from his side.

The onemoji leaps over to where Seishiro stands watching him.

He walks over to the Sakurazukamori "hey, can I borrow one from you?"

Seishiro smirks and shrugs "sure" he pulls out two cigarettes and light them both, giving one to Subaru.

"…..I want a pink bunny balloon! With sparkles, daddy do you think there are pink AND sparkly balloons like that?"

Fuma is rummaging through a pile of broken glass looking for something to slit his wrists with "I don't know Nataku"

Still trapped in the metal shreds Kamui starts screaming "OI! I'm still here! Get me out of here! Fuma, Subaru, SOMEBODY!"

* * *

Yutu's revenge

Yutu walks in to Satsuki's Beast room. As she notices him he gestures her to leap down to him.

"what is it Yutu-san?"

Yutu beams a bright smile at her and shows her what's in his hand; a magnet with a little Muppet Show Beast with an added cute little drum kit. "it's for you" he smiles.

"aww…that's…cute…" she seems to have no words for it in her placid, emotionless jargon.

"how about we put it here" he says maliciously and without further words and with swift unstoppable speed, he sticks the magnet to Beast's body.

sounds of electric circuits in chaos and long electronic growls emit from the computer as the magnet slowly tares the circuits and connections inside the machine. All that while Satsuki silently panics and Yutu happily smiles.

Beast stops dead, it's lights fade out and it's noises cease.

Satsuki attempts to leap towards him when Yutu grabs her and pins her to a nearby wall "now that I can do this" he smiles "Satsuki, do you find me sexy?"

Before she has time to answer a finger lightly tap Yutu on the shoulder. He turns around to see Seishiro with his arms folded on his chest. "five hundred yens please" he says coldly.

"nani!"

"five hundred yens please, the copyrights fee for using that pick up line"

* * *

Kanoe walks up to Fuma sitting in his big black chair, a cunning smirk plastered on her face."'Kamui', aren't you suppose to appear before people in the way that they wish to see you as?" she asks him.

"yes I have that ability"

"well then, how come you're not naked?"

a moment of silence.

"it's my wish that you'd be naked" her smile widens.

"no it's not"

"yes it is"

"no it's not"

"oh yes it iiiiiis"

"damn it"

* * *

Clamp sit around in their studio, working on X volume 16.

Mokona raises her eyes from the page she's drawing and turns to Ohkawa "Ne, Ohkawa-chan, what should I put in this speech bubble Seishiro has just before he dies?"

Her eyes flashing, an evil grin on her lips, Ohkawa answers "NOOOOOOOOOOTHIIIIIIIIIIIIING BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH"

* * *

Modes 1

Seishiro walks into the DoE's living room, a cooking apron above his neat Armani, a delightful smile shining out and a tray of steaming cookies in his hands.

"Would anyone like a cookie?"

The DoE stare at him terrified. Nataku "eeep"s and runs to hide behind Fuma.

"I just finished baking them, they are delicious!" continues the Sakurazukamori, in the sweetest, kindest tone one could emit.

The DoE keep staring, starting to shiver a little.

Fuma gestures for Kusanagi and Yutu to near him. Once they do he whispers a few orders to them and (with their much resentment and his much threatening) they set out to work.

Shaking and sweating, Yutu walks up to the Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound "I….. would like…..(gulp)….a cookie Sakurazuka-san….." he says and reaches out a hand to the tray.

"Here you go then, I hope you like chocolate chi…..mfff, mffff, mffff!" is all Seishiro manages to say as Kusanagi covers his head with a blanket and holds it there until the man calms down and stops fighting.

Fuma quickly walks up to Seishiro. Pressing a button on his back, the Sakurazukamori's control panel is opened before Fuma.

"C….can I go now?" Yutu whimpers, still with the cookie in his hand.

"Yeah yeah" Fuma is too busy observing the little buttons and switches in the panel.

Yutu shoots away from the three men, crying out like a wounded animal. He flees to Kanoe, who wraps her arms around him protectively.

"He scared me Kanoe, he really did" he whimpers.

"There there, poor Yutu" Kanoe pets him on his back and shoves his head to her bosom…..which, as it always is, pretty much exposed.

"Kanoe…." Yutu mumbles "need….air….can't…breathe….here"

"Ah! Sorry about that, I keep forgetting" she lets him go.

"A HA!" Fuma calls out "Just as I thought, his behavior switch is stuck on 'Kind Veterinarian' mode." he turns to Kusanagi "If you want to live, on a count of three you release him and run off as far as you can"

Kusanagi nods.

"One, two, three!" he flips the switch.

Kusanagi dashes off to join Nataku behind their Kamui's great chair.

Taking the blanket off of his head, the usual careless and cold stare back in his eyes, Seishiro looks around at everybody, and then at the apron he's wearing, then at the tray of cookies in his hand. "Damn, I was wondering what Subaru-kun's shiki was doing there…"

* * *

(Referring to vol. 13)

Kamui finds Saiki's head, unattached to his body.

Fuma lands by him just when the pretty boy starts simmering over the bloodshed. He smirks at his uke.

Kamui glares fire at him, pointing to the bit of Saiki that leans on the railing. "DAMN IT FUMA!" he screams "That's not what I meant when I said I want you to give me head!"

* * *

Hotel Rooms

(Referring to chapter 13)

Fuma stands on a building top, observing the Four Seasons Hotel. "Now I got you" he smirks.

He flies off and walks up to Kakyou's room.

There's a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door.

Fuma looks down on it "damn". He walks away.

* * *

Fuma sits on his big DoE thrown.

Kakyou clings to his chest, weeping and mumbling "Hokuto" from time to time.

Subaru clings to Fuma's chest as well, weeping and mumbling "Seishiro-san" from time to time.

Kanoe, Yutu and Satsuki pop their heads into the room for a laugh.

"Aw, isn't it adorable" Kanoe sniggers.

"Shut….up" Fuma hisses back at her.

"It's like a mama bear, breastfeeding her two young cubs" she continues.

"Why you little!" Fuma tries to get up and grab her.

"Ah ah ah" she shakes her finger at him "if you get up and dislodge them you will ruin your chance for comfort sex with one of them!" she smirks.

"Damn you" he hisses back and resumes his comforting.

* * *

Tactless twit

Sitting at their little apartment's dining table, the DoH are having dinner.

Sitting to Subaru's right, Sorata examines the newly half blinded Omnyoji, deeply curious. After many examinations Sorata raises his middle finger at Subaru's right side, where he can't see.

Arashi notes it and slaps her hand on her face in embarrassment.

Kamui stares, shocked.

Yuzuriha stares, shocked. That is until Aoki covers her eyes glaring 'not in front of the kids' at Sorata. He does that until Karen covers _his_ eyes, the same glare in her eyes.

Finally taking note of what's going on around him, Subaru asks "he's holding his middle finger at my blind eye, isn't he?"

Sorata "eep"s.

* * *

Mothers

(This sketch is dedicated to Sakura from Clampesque board, with love)

Standing on Rainbow Bridge, Seishiro and Subaru face each other, standing in the violent wind around them.

Seishiro places a cigarette in his mouth, quickly lit by Subaru.

They are about to begin when a voice suddenly calls out to them "Seishiro! Such a windy night outside and you're not even wearing a proper coat!" a fuzzy woolen sweater lands on Seishiro's shoulder.

"…….Mother?" the Sakurazukamori asks, puzzled.

Setsuka's ghost walks up to him, yanks the cigarette out of his mouth and glares at her child "And what is this huh? Since when do you smoke!"

"Since when do you care!"

"I am your _mother_ I care about you!" she rebukes him.

In the meantime Subaru stands a little away from the two, stunned.

"And why must I drag myself all the way here to see you? Why won't you come home for a visit once in a while?"

"You mean your grave mother"

Ignoring him, she continues "And you never call you _own mother_, not even _once_! I bet you call all your friends a million times a day but you never have time for your own mother!"

"You're dead mom! How can I call you!"

She begins to sob dramatically "Oh, why are you so cruel and evil to me?"

"That's how you taught me to be mom…."

"And what about grandchildren, huh Seishiro? Make you're mother happy a little with a baby grandchild or granddaughter"

That's when Subaru starts to cough uncontrollably, attracting Setsuka's attention.

The ghost walks up to him.

She scans him carefully, walking around him a little to get a glimpse of him from every direction. "Hmmm…I don't know, she's a little thin, ne? A healthy woman needs to have bigger hips, it indicated fertility" she pats Subaru's hips a little, making the uke yelp.

"He's a man mother…." Seishiro sighs, exasperated.

"Oh…." She stares from her son to Subaru for a few moments "I hope he's a good bottom dear"

Subaru breaks into another uncontrolled coughing fit as Seishiro smirks.

Setsuka turns to Subaru "Aw, I bet you're such a cute couple. Say, do you want to see baby pictures of my little boy?"

Subaru snaps back to coherency and dashes over to Setsuka "Yes please Mrs. Sakurazuka!"

Setsuka pulls out a small baby blue picture album, flipping through the pages with Subaru looking over her shoulder.

"This is my little Sei-Sei when I gave him his first bath"

Subaru blushes.

"Mother I told you not to call me like that around other people…."

Setsuka ignores him "And this is my sweetie Sei-Sei on his first day of kindergarten. Isn't he adorable with his little blue lunchbox?"

"Mother……"

"Are those little penguins on the lunchbox Mrs. Sakurazuka?"

"Yes! He loved penguins"

"Mooooooooom!"

"He loved penguins you say?"

"Oh yes! Ah! I forgot to show you my picture of him when he was 3, hugging his little penguin doll!"

"MOOOOOOOOTHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"

* * *

Modes 2

Arashi stands in the DoH's little apartment's laundry room, sorting out the freshly laundered clothes.

Suddenly Karen jumps her, starting to strip her of her clothes. Her eyes are ablaze and a strange, manic smile spread on her face.

Trying to shake the fire master off, Arashi calls out "Karen-san! What are you doing!"

By then it's too late, Karen already started removing her bra "Oh, how precious!" she yelps "Bunny undies!"

"K…Karen-san!"

"Unfortunately, though, you can't wear them at our club!"

"Help!"

"Let's get you into something more appropriate!" Karen chirps and dresses Arashi in a skimpy corset with lots of frills and ribbons, all in the wrong places so nothing would hide the shrine maiden's body.

"Stop it! Karen-san!"

"Ho ho ho!"

"Wait!" suddenly Arashi realizes something. In order to fix Karen she must find a distraction for the crazed fire master. "Look Karen-san!" she says, pointing at Yuzuriha standing in the living room "an innocent little girl with all her clothes on!"

"_Where?_" and she's off to jump Yuzuriha.

Lazing in front of the TV, Sorata, Kamui and Subaru suddenly see Karen leaping at Yuzuriha and start to undress her.

Kamui stares in shock, Subaru stares carelessly, Sorata starts to drool as Arashi (dressed as she is) joins the fun.

The Ise shrine miko walks up to Karen and presses a button on her back to open her control panel.

"Oh! How precious! Bunny undies!"

"But I'm not wearing bunny undies Karen-san!" Yuzuriha yelps as she struggles to keep her shirt on.

"As I thought" Arashi mumbles "her behavior switch is stuck on Miyuki-chan in Wonderland mode" she flips the switch back to normal.

Just in time, Karen stops trying to open Yuzuriha's bra, shakes her head and starts apologizing.

Noting the three boys staring at them, Arashi yelps and runs away to cover herself.

"Ano…..Yuzuriha-chan…." Kamui rubs the back of his head awkwardly "Aren't you a too young to be wearing a thong?"

Yuzuriha blinks, sulking "But Kusanagi-san likes it when I w….." she realizes what she's about to say "w….Wave at him enthusiastically whenever we meet" she sweatdrops "Hello Kusanagi-san! Hello!" she jumps a little bit, waving her arm pathetically.

The three boys and Karen stare.

Yuzuriha runs away to put some clothes on herself.

* * *

Hotel Rooms 2

Fuma walks up to Kakyou's bed in his Four Seasons room. He looks down at the sleeping bishie. Rubbing his palms together cunningly, he smirks hungrily.

He reaches out to Kakyou when a pot plant hovers from its place on a cupboard and smashes into Fuma's head.

"Aaaa!"

A small tea set from the little drinking corner stars circling Fuma's head in the air. One by one, the cups crush into Fuma "What the hell is going on around here!"

More artifacts from the room start hovering about, aiming themselves at Fuma.

"Oh my god, the room is haunted!" Fuma runs away as quickly as he can.

Each artifact returns to its proper position. A silent ghostly chuckle sounds across the room "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO"

* * *

Tactless Twit 2

Kamui, Sorata and Arashi walk away from Fuma and Kotori's father's funeral in awkward silence.

Searching for something to break the silence, Sorata suddenly calls out "So, how was _your_ father's funeral Kamui?"

…………

"Oh right, you never knew your father…….How was your mother's funeral then?"

………………….

"Oh right, she burnet to death in the middle of her house so there wasn't much to bury right?"

Three seconds later Sorata explodes.

* * *

(Referring to chapter 9)

Saiki dials Yuzuriha on a street payphone "Hello, Yuzuriha-san? Hey, it's Saiki here. Listen, I was wondering if you could come with me to search out another DoH and…."

From the other end of the line Yuzuriha's voice booms "Saiki-san, could it be that you're asking me out **_ON A DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?_**" (A.N: add an "o" to the end of "date" if you want it to be authentic along with a matching horrid Japanese accent)

Saiki faints, blood trickling from his ear.

* * *

(Later on…….)

Yuzuriha bumps into Kusanagi in the park. She runs up to him and they start to chat.

"I'm not usually in town missy" Kusanagi smiles "I'm in my base most of the time; I'm in the Self Defense Force.

Bouncing in excitement, Yuzuriha suddenly yelps "**_WOW! THE SELF DEFENCE FORCE! THAT'S SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!_**"

(A little later)

Aoki, Saiki and Yuzuriha sit at an ice cream parlor. Saiki has a huge bandage around his right ear.

"Ah, Daisuke, I haven't seen you in such a long time" Aoki smiles kindely.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Saiki screams back.

Awkward, Aoki pulls out a pen and jots the question on a little napkin by him. He hands the napkin to Saiki.

Saiki reads it and raises his head back to his uncle "I'M FINE THANK YOU! I'VE BEEN PROTECTNG PRINCESS HINOTO AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DIET BUILDING AS USUAL. GEE, I'M REALLY GLAD THAT I WORK WITH THE DRAGONS OF HEAVEN AND PROTECTING THIS WORLD FROM DESTRUCTION……..WHAT?"

Yuzuriha and Aoki slowly edge away from him pulling an 'I don't know this guy, I have no connection to him once or ever, he's just a raving madman' face at anyone in the parlor who stare at them.

(Much, much later)

Yutu, Fuma, Seishiro and Kusanagi stand around in Shinjuku, planning out a strategy to destroy as many kekkais as they can.

Holding a map of Tokyo, Fuma turns to Kusanagi (who has a huge bandage on his left ear) "Did you understand the plan Kusanagi?"

"WHAT! I CAN'T HEAR YOU, WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

Seishiro edges away and lights a cigarette.

Cringing at the shouts, Fuma grabs a pen from Yutu and jots down his questions on the back of his map. He hands the map to Kusanagi.

Kusanagi reads and raises his eyes to his Kamui "YEAH OKAY, I GET THE PLAN NOW, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!"

Yutu tries to hush him down and fails miserably

"ME AND YOU" he points at Fuma "GO OVER TO IKEKABURU AND SHATTER THE PLACE TO THE GROUND"

People around them start to stare and panic as they realize what's going on. Fuma and Yutu start edging away. Seishiro is well inside his maboroshi and is no where in sight.

"WHILE YUTU" (he points at the blond) "AND SEISHIRO…EH….WHERE IS HE?"

Foolishly tempted out of his illusion, Seishiro re-appears and tries to gesture for Kusanagi to shut up.

"AH! THERE YOU ARE! DO YOU NEED THE ABILITY TO POOF AWAY LIKE THAT IN YOUR LINE OF WORK? GEE, IT MUST BE VERY HARD TO BE A PROFFESIONAL ASSASIN!"

Seishiro disappears again just when a local police patrol car starts taking notice of Kusanagi's words.

"HEY GUYS, WHERE DID YOU GO? I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO DESTROY TOKYO! YOU GUYS! HEY!"

* * *

(Referring to vol. 17 or chapter 20)

Just before they start dozing off, Arashi and Sorata snuggle up together in their afterglow.

"Oh but Sorata" Arashi suddenly frets "I'm worried you won't be able to live like this with your hand paralyzed"

"Ah don't worry babe" Sorata smiles "Now that we're sleeping together I won't really need it much"

………..

* * *

A Bit of Hellsing

At their base in Rome, a great roar shatters the peaceful silence

"OOOOOOO DEED THEAAAAASSE?"

Father Maxwell stares puzzled at Heinkel, who's polishing her gun, and Yumiko, who's knitting a cute little scarf. "What's Anderson on about now?" Maxwell sighs "It's hard to understand with that thick accent of his…"

"Turn on the Mokona Father" Yumiko chirps.

Turning to the white Mokona sitting atop the tea table, Maxwell presses the pink button on its forehead.

And just in time because, storming down the stairs to the living room, Anderson comes, screaming like mad "WHOOOO DID THIIIIIIIIS!"

"Wow!" Heinkel calls out "We can understand what he's saying for once!"

"Who did what Father Anderson?"

"THIIIIIIIIIIS!" Anderson whips one of his gloves two inches from Maxwell's face. The "Jesus Christ" has been replaced on the white glove so that now it reads "Usagi is in Heaven"

(Meanwhile in the DoE's lair)

Fuma sits on his thrown a smug smile on his lips.

The rest of the DoE (including Kakyou) are kneeling at Fuma's feet, bowing at their Kamui.

"Bow down before he who has no fear" Kanoe says.

"Bow down before he who has no fear" the rest repeat after her and bow.

"Bow before he who has nerves of steal and balls from here to infinity" Kanoe calls out.

The rest repeat after her and bow once more.

Fuma's smirk widens

(Back in Rome)

"AND WHOOOOO DID THIIIIIIIIS?" Anderson whips the second glove before Maxwell's eyes. The word "speak" has been replaced on the white fabric so that now it reads "Sleep with the Dead"

(In London)

Integra, Alucard, Victoria, Walter and Pip giggle like little children.

* * *

(Referring to vol. 17)

Fuma walks up to the grieving Subaru, holding the eye box "Seishiro's wish was for me to give this to you. It is his eye, the only part of him saved from Rainbow Bridge. Take it"

Subaru takes the box and cuddles it, sobbing and crying. After he recovers he opens the box and looks down at the eye inside.

He places his fingers on the eye and tries to pick it up.

The jelly-like ball slips from his hand and plops back into the box with an oozy thud.

"ewww" Subaru shudders.

He tries to pick it up again but it slips away again. This time it bounces off the box and falls on the ground, rolls around in the grass a little and falls into the charming little decorative pond.

"Damn…"

(a few days later)

Fuma walks into Subaru's house "Come with me Subaru, you are now the Sakurazukamori and a DoE" he says dramatically.

Subaru is kneeling on the floor by a cupboard, rummaging under it "ah….just a minute…it rolled under the cupboard now….I'll just fetch it and I'll be with you right away…."

* * *

(1) Nokoru, Suoh and Akira are characters from CLAMP Campus Detectives. if you don't know what it's about or what it is at all go find out or you'll be missing three yummy bishonen….and they get even yummier in X! -

(2) Miyuki – chan in Wonderland is a CLAMP creation with a little bit of hinted (very bluntly hinted) Shojo – ai.

(3) really, you don't know what FAKE is! What kind of rabid Yaoi fangirl are you! (considering the fact that most X fans are RYFG or else they wouldn't like X ;p )

(4) Chobits. I'm reffering to the after – strip – show incident when she was mostly nude and walking on top of things

(5) UST Unresolved Sexual Tension

(6) he he he, a sand witch…..that must be faught with Seishiro's saran wrap he he he, never mind, X Madness taking over my brain.

(7) as in the end of every Wish book

(8) that's supposed to be chicken noises….

(9) Was it a train station! I don't know! I got destracted by the frog and Fuma looking so yummi

(10)if any of you saw Hook….

(11) if you have noiticed a scream of alarm in manga (and in some anime) for girls is 'kyaaa' while in boys it's 'gyaaa'….go figure….it's like all over the world cats go 'meow' and only in Japan they say 'nya'…..

(12) Clamp themselves (I think it was in a CCD book) said that their Dyklun, CCD, X, Man of Many faces and TB make some sort of a Clamp dimension so Chobits and Angelic Layer is probably a part of another dimension of theirs.

(13) I am referring to the black flat hat with the red ribbon on it.

(14) the CCD version, I know I've repeated that joke but I don't remember any other kids in Clamp stuff and I don't know enough about Sakura to have him drooling over Lee or whatever his name is

(15) or that her animal instincts went all "oo looki, a hunky boy! KANOE HUNGRY!"

(16) referring to (SPOILERS!) TB book 3 when Sei-chan says that when he gets prank calls asking him what type of underwear he's wearing or what's he doing now Madam he lets the animals in his clinic listen to them.

(17) also reffering to TB3 where Sei-chan talks to penguins like an idiot. I think it's the equal moment to X14's Fuma's frog incident.


End file.
